I
am sorry to say ladies, as much as we don’t want to admit that the efforts of
our bra burning, sexually liberating ancestors was all in vain, it is true. That
thing you rely on to get an extra free drink at the bar is in fact what your
grandmother wore in college when she was trying to get her MRS. I am talking
about the girdle. The wizards of rebranding have conned us again with their
oh-so cunning thesaurus. Instead
of calling Spanx what they really are, they are marketed as body shapers &
slimming intimates. Not only are Spanx girdles; they are the equivalent of Kleenex & tissue; while Spanx is a brand it is used as the official name for modern day girdle. Spanx is not some innovative, new product; they just threw a kicky name
& fancy wording to veil the uncomfortable & outdated.
To
go against the norm, I tried wearing a girdle called Yummy Tummy. It fit well
& it brought me in that half inch I have been trying to get rid of by
dieting on wine & cheese for the past year. However, a half-hour into the
night I could not take it anymore. When I tried to shake my booty, nothing
happen. I just looked like I was trying to de-wedgie myself by moving my hips
rapidly from side to side. Where
was the sass in my step? How come when I dropped it, it wasn’t like it was hot?
I’ll tell you why; my awesomeness was trapped in my girdle. Oh sorry, I mean
trapped in my Spanx. Oh shoot, I mean in my Yummy Tummy. It wasn't comfortable or liberating & part of the reason why my dancing looked like I was try to work out a wedgie was because I was. After receiving one
last free drink from the guy whose only game is buying alcohol, I ran to the bathroom, peeled off the Godforsaken sole sucker &
popped it into my clutch… It has never been heard from again.
The
power of rebranding has lead to the rejuvenation of products that were once
thrown out with the rest of societies trash. The automotive victor of the
old made new movement is Cadillac. For those of you who are not in the know, Cadillac use to target people like your Grandfather. Now they have tag lines
like “When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” & their
Escalade makes a monthly appearance on Law & Order SVU as the car the
hip-hop artist used when they did their "gangster transactions". I don’t think
your grandfather wants much to do with that.
While
we feel that we are immune to the manipulation of the advertising world, it is only an
unavailing notion. We want to think we don’t fall for the vocabulary tango of
the marketing industry who makes or breaks the standard of cool in our culture. However, more likely than not, the product you think is new & fresh is just
a recycled, tired idea that has been pimped out with thin models & a catchy jingle. So I salute you, pimps of the
already done. You make millions while we fawn upon your already lit wick. We
are at the mercy of your ostentatious word show. Now lets all go eat at
McDonalds because their commercials say their food is healthy... Oh.
Yours,
DB
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