I say nay, men.

Since the beginning of civilized human interaction, men have ruled the world, whilst doting on the “lesser” female species. Chivalry was something men took pride in. Who could hold more doors, go on more dates & bust the best moves. With each of these gestures men use to think that they would get so lucky as to hold the hand of the “apple of their eye”. After 2 or 3 month, they would advance to necking. Finally, they would get down on one knee & ask the woman to do him the honor of being his wife.

Then feminism kicked in. Not the women suffrage feminist, but the “I can hold the door myself, ass hole” feminist. They have been on a mission since the 60’s to try & be treated as an equal. Thanks to their efforts, sexual harassment has greatly declined, there is such thing as “flex” hours & majority of women are now working & homemaking. With all of these great strides legally & financially, we forgot about one thing; respect. We have focused so much on becoming equals in the world logically speaking, that women have unknowingly taken chivalry to the garbage disposal, leaving men to believe that women are equal on paper & are as eager to have sex, so any chivalrous gesture is a waste of time. If a man buys a woman a drink, they interpret the acceptance of said drink to be the acceptance of a one-night bonk. It's kind of like when men keep tabs on beer with their buddies, but with women, instead of the receiver owing them a beer in return, they owe them at least a slip of the hand.

How many women out there thought they were having good conversation & drinks with someone, & then the guy became increasingly inappropriate & totally presumptuous, ultimately ruining the moment? It is just another battle in the war of the sexes. The mother’s of today’s douches failed because they were trying so hard to get guys to see that women are the same as men, they did not try to teach them that women deserve to be “wooed”. That they cannot just saddle up & dive-in without some foreplay. (No, it does not happen like in the movies. It takes much longer to generate a legitimate moan of genuine pleasure.) Men, fun fact; a random sending of flowers is way more likely to land you a successful night in the sack than two hours of grinding on the dance floor, not even making eye contact.

When I was single, this would happen all of the time. A guy would do one minor gesture, like get you into an “exclusive party” because he knew the host, but if you danced with another guy he would either give you the stink eye for the rest of the evening, or go as far as to have you kicked out. In the past 60 years, wooing has been disintegrated down to just a “w”, maybe not even that. Even worse, women are starting to believe that after 2 or 3 drinks bought at the bar they “owe” the guy. Ladies, if we are going to sleep with someone because they buy us things, shouldn’t we at least hold ourselves to the same value as a high-end hooker? If we do, the tool whom is trying to buy his way into your pants is looking at a cool 10 drinks each for you & 8 of your closest friends.

My favorite is that if a drink or a dance is rejected, boys will use any excuse to avoid the fact that a woman is not interested. I one time went to a bar when my fiancé and I were still just dating & a guy came up to me to chat. After a while he offered to buy me a drink. I said I would love one, but before he does, he should know that I have a boyfriend. Instead of saying, “Thanks for the heads up, I think I will invest my money elsewhere,” he spitted “I’m not hitting on you.” Already having dealt with this a few times in the past I asked him, “I don’t get it. Guys get huffy if you don’t tell them from the start, but if you say you have a boyfriend off the bat they get defensive & try to act like they were not on a mission to hump. So which should I do?” Realizing how contradicting his behavior was, he accepted my reasoning & thanked me for not wasting his time. Do we really have to lecture each guy about why it is our prerogative to reject them, because their mother skipped over that lesson in life?

Women deserve to have the same career opportunities; men & women should be dealt with the same way, & employers should try to accommodate the uterus by giving us the necessary resources to accomplish work & family life. With that being said, we should also have the same opportunities to accept kind gestures without having to bend over. If a woman says no, there are only juvenile reasons for a man to question or condescend in response.

Dear men, I say nay to your half-assed advancements. Deal with it.

Yours,

DB

Remember when.

If I could have grown up in any decade it would have to be the fifties; the movies were musicals like Singin’ in the Rain & comedies like  I Love Lucy were on air. Whenever anyone is asked when they would have liked to grow up, they will almost always answer with a decade before the 80’s. In the 20’s people were roarin’, the 30’ s may be overlooked due to a little thing called The Great Depression, the 40’s was when America rallied together to help their neighbor while listening to the musical talents of Mr. Sinatra (For those a little slower, please note the irony of this link.), the 60’s because this decade was one of the most revolutionary times in American history since the Civil War (kinda hard to compete with that), etc.  What is it about these decades before the 1990’s?

We have been growing up in a culture that has rapidly deteriorated into a whirlwind of technology, instant gratification & genericization. Some may ask why any of these qualities are bad. Technology has led to much advancement in our society; medically, informationally, etc., no one has every said “I want this to take a really long time” & genericization is how capitalism can become all it can, so keep feeding the beast. However, while all of these refinements have made life seem better, easier, I beg to differ that it is all really an amelioration.

Technology has made our society into a black hole of web pages, personal profiles & Wikipedia. People can stay in touch with family & friend easier. Meeting new people has never been more effortless, just upload a photo of yourself looking fab while wearing your Doriotos stained sweats. You don’t even need to get dressed up to find a date anymore, you just need to get dressed up for the actual date; at least, it is recommended. Wikipedia has prevented about 1 trillion paper cuts with the sublime existence of their search bar. The thing is, while this all seems great, it is just a massive epidemic of producing laziness & impersonal interaction with a 1,000 plus friends. (Expect “Sociology of technology” to come to a computer screen near you soon.)

Back in the 50’s people had to use word of mouth, not a link on a Facebook status to get people aware of what’s going on. When there was a rally, people actually showed up instead of waiting for the article to come out the next day online & then share it to appear as if they are invested in the effort. When people had passions they would get up & go. They made fliers, sang songs, gave speeches to random people on the sidewalk about the next movement demonstration. When people became engaged in something they wouldn’t just “Like” an article, they would bring the paper with them to the coffee shop so they could discuss with their friends, in person, how they could help make an impact. Taking initiative like this is so uncommon now. Everyone wants to be apart of something without doing more than pressing copy & paste.

In the 60’s, the social revolution wasn’t the extensive growth of social networks, it was sexual liberation, especially the “Summer of Love”, 1967. I am not saying that everyone should walk around naked & spread eagle for whomever, I am just saying that back in the 60’s people were not trying to get the bare jest of someone (pun unintended) from a profile page; they were really getting to know people. Sharing themselves on a more philosophical, personal & stimulating level (yes, some of the stimulation was from all of the sex & LSD they were having). However, they didn’t just hump; they shared their thoughts, theories & prospectives about life. We can all laugh about the drugs & consummation, but they were trying to accomplish something so much more fundamental than anything we could ever fathom because we have our heads so far up Siri’s ass. So far up that everything has become unbearably generic.

Politics, personalities & clothing. No one cares about what they believe, what they feel. They just turn on the TV & try to emulate what they see. Everyone who is young wants to shake their fists at the government & rebuke them for all of America’s problems. The thing is we don’t really try to question authority; we just blame it. Everyone has something to say, but few have something to back up their statements, even if what they are saying is true. It is just a regurgitation of either Limbaugh or Olbermann’s opinion (depending on which way you swing). It is one ignorant outburst after another. We are trying so hard to be original; to be a rebel, but no one knows how, so we look to the person next to us to show us what to do (the result of art & music programs getting budget cuts in public schools). Just listen to the music today. All has a lot of bass, which causes vibrations, making us believe we are feeling something more than really intense sound waves. There is no talent. It is all just generated from a computer. I feel like we are chickens running around with our heads cut off trying to think of what we can do next, but always finding ourselves looking to E! News & Pinterest to tell us.

I am going to keep this conclusion short. No one says they want to live in the 2000’s because nothing is organic. For example, Apple is the icon of our generation. Steve Job’s job is done. However, very little has been produced by society that the masses can hang their hat on. Think about this: Society use to influence culture, now culture influences society. 

Socialization of the manly man.

My whole life I have grown up with men who are “manly men”. They drink beer, they watch football & they sit with their hand down their pants. They feel they are the epitome of masculinity, the poster child for those who are penis endowed. Why is it that acting this way is an automatic membership card to the “Manly Men Club”. I have never understood the desire to be apart of something so block-headed. It is not the beer, sports & ball sack fondling that bothers me. It is everything else that goes with these behaviors; it’s the state of mind. To them wearing anything pink is the equivalent of saying, “Hey, I like to stick my “junior” between my legs and pretend I am a girl.” Anything that threatens their masculinity is the enemy. My question is, why are objects with a feminine undertone so threatening to the “uber” male? One theory is that they became so manly they eventually do a 180 degree flip & that is why they are deathly afraid of My Little Pony & nail polish. They put down women & men who cannot use tools or throw a ball. Isn’t it just as bad, even more so, that something as simple as the color pink can make a man feel totally defensive & belittled?

There are guys who spend their whole lives putting on a virile show for the rest of the world to constantly reinforce this macho image they have built up for themselves. I would imagine it gets exhausting for them to keep up this performance. I believe that a lot of this insecurity is rooted from overbearing parents who had such a strong opinion about making their girls girly & their boys manly that their children became afraid of anything that is associated with the opposite sex. They grow up their whole lives gendered with no option for leeway. When a 3 year-old boy wants to wear a skirt & twirl, not because he wants to be a girl, but because he thinks it looks cool, he is told no & given a baseball mitt instead. Dear imperious parents, let the boy twirl in the nifty skirt. He just wants to twirl, he is not asking for a set of ovaries. A skirt will not determine your child’s sexual orientation for the rest of his life, so please, get over your homophobia & let your children play with dolls, trucks & board games alike.

Genderization is probably the longest running epidemic known to mankind. Boys will have a blue room; girls will have a pink room. Boys will rough house & girls will play with dolls. Heaven forbid that the socially approved assignment of colors & activities be tampered with. I am telling you, parents who think that butterflies will prevent your son’s balls from dropping, paint his toenails & give him a doll if he wants you to. This is part of the reason why men & women have such a hard time co-existing; you keep beating the understanding & empathy toward the opposite sex out of your children. Men cannot understand women because they were brought up to only know that girly things are wrong & visa versa. It is not Mars & Venus; it is footballs & Barbies, soccer practices & dance lessons. Just stop with the whole charade. Limiting exposure only guarantees that your child will be a little less tolerant & a lot more ignorant.

You manly men may be one of the most obnoxious people on Earth (We get it, you are the equivalent of G.I. Joe), but it is not your fault. Your constant battle of pushing the rock up the mountain, Sisyphus, is something that has been engrained in you for your entire life, even before you plowed your testosterone dynamo self into the world. However, now that I have pointed out just how pathetic your ploy is, maybe you will calm down your stallion of a personality & go get a mani pedi. No one likes someone with dirt under their nails.

Yours,

DB

The case of the exceptionista.

Everyone has that friend who thinks they are the exception & if you don’t, you are probably her. The girl who pouts if it is their turn to be designated driver, the girl who has to dictate the night’s festivities, otherwise they will get drunk & cause a scene & the girl who freaks out if the group grabs dinner without her. However, she cannot understand why other’s get upset when this happens to them.  I will call this girl the exceptionista. The exceptionista is the breed of human who holds social reign, dictating, but making herself immune to the restrictions she has set for everyone else; AKA the exception. Physical characteristics normally consist of attractive facial features with a subtle pout & a permanent expression of self-admiration. A great example of this person would be Regina George in “Mean Girls”. Tina Fey obviously has taken time to study this “kind” seeing as she executed the character flawlessly in her astute screenplay. (If you do not know this movie, please rent it ASAP.

This anomaly is one that we all fall victim to. We normally fail to see the authoritarianism until the said dictator does something to really piss us off, or if a third party shows you the light, (highly unlikely to be effective).  The reason for our ignorance toward someone so self-involved & dense about any form of empathy is because we are naturally drawn to being around attractive people. As much as we want to fight it, we let these exceptionistas get their way because we do not want to disturb the delicate ecosystem in which the attractive & dramatic cohabitate with us. It is sad because it really is like an abusive relationship. The worse they treat us, the more we want them to like us (another fabulous thought from the writing genius of Tina Fey).

With all of this being said, we are the reinforcers. No one could hold up such an arrogant existence if they had their ego bruised; even once would bring it down a notch. It is these girls who have been molded by the insistent hands we possess. If their parents were to have told them “no” when they were younger, or if girls didn’t fawn over every move they made, or if boys didn’t chase them around the playground in a juvenile form of flattery, they would have a normal prospective of social conduct, like you & me. They would be happy to take their turn of being sober behind the wheel, they would be flexible toward the night’s plans & they would understand that they do not need to be involved in every little activity the group does. So, while we are the gum on the bottom of their shoe that just won’t quit, they are the person who knows nothing other than reaping the benefits society is all too ready to give.

It is a delicate ecosystem & not one that can be tampered with aggressively. I am not suggesting there be a war on the pedestaled. I am just suggesting that we confront our oblivion & put the exceptionistas in their place when need be; otherwise, we will forever oblige & accommodate them in efforts to avoid ostracism. We should try to make the relationship among girls friends that of a democracy & regain our dignity we have so flippantly put aside. Nay to you, Exceptionista. You are one of us & nothing more. 

Yours,

DB

An ostentatious word show.

I am sorry to say ladies, as much as we don’t want to admit that the efforts of our bra burning, sexually liberating ancestors was all in vain, it is true. That thing you rely on to get an extra free drink at the bar is in fact what your grandmother wore in college when she was trying to get her MRS. I am talking about the girdle. The wizards of rebranding have conned us again with their oh-so cunning thesaurus.  Instead of calling Spanx what they really are, they are marketed as body shapers & slimming intimates. Not only are Spanx girdles; they are the equivalent of Kleenex & tissue; while Spanx is a brand it is used as the official name for modern day girdle. Spanx is not some innovative, new product; they just threw a kicky name & fancy wording to veil the uncomfortable & outdated.

To go against the norm, I tried wearing a girdle called Yummy Tummy. It fit well & it brought me in that half inch I have been trying to get rid of by dieting on wine & cheese for the past year. However, a half-hour into the night I could not take it anymore. When I tried to shake my booty, nothing happen. I just looked like I was trying to de-wedgie myself by moving my hips rapidly from side to side.  Where was the sass in my step? How come when I dropped it, it wasn’t like it was hot? I’ll tell you why; my awesomeness was trapped in my girdle. Oh sorry, I mean trapped in my Spanx. Oh shoot, I mean in my Yummy Tummy. It wasn't comfortable or liberating & part of the reason why my dancing looked like I was try to work out a wedgie was because I was. After receiving one last free drink from the guy whose only game is buying alcohol, I ran to the bathroom, peeled off the Godforsaken sole sucker & popped it into my clutch… It has never been heard from again.

The power of rebranding has lead to the rejuvenation of products that were once thrown out with the rest of societies trash. The automotive victor of the old made new movement is Cadillac. For those of you who are not in the know, Cadillac use to target people like your Grandfather. Now they have tag lines like “When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” & their Escalade makes a monthly appearance on Law & Order SVU as the car the hip-hop artist used when they did their "gangster transactions". I don’t think your grandfather wants much to do with that.

While we feel that we are immune to the manipulation of the advertising world, it is only an unavailing notion. We want to think we don’t fall for the vocabulary tango of the marketing industry who makes or breaks the standard of cool in our culture. However, more likely than not, the product you think is new & fresh is just a recycled, tired idea that has been pimped out with thin models & a catchy jingle. So I salute you, pimps of the already done. You make millions while we fawn upon your already lit wick. We are at the mercy of your ostentatious word show. Now lets all go eat at McDonalds because their commercials say their food is healthy... Oh.

Yours,

DB

The coupled, the unconventional & the single.

Hello World. I am 22 & engaged. Pause for reaction. The transition between how being young & married was viewed in the 50's & how it is viewed today is the equivalent of a sociological lobotomy. Why does anyone feel it is their prerogative to tell me that they do not think I am making a good decision, especially a random woman at the grocery store. "Oh, wow. You are so young. Are you sure that you are ready" (insert the "I said something really profound, so I am going to look sympathetic because I just turned this girl's world upside down" head tilt here). No, I'm not sure I'm ready. That is why I said yes when my fiancée proposed, why I am wearing my engagement ring & why I have been making wedding plans for the past 3 months. Thank you for your completely inappropriate & invasive interrogation of my life.

The young & committed are not the only victims of the opinionated & completely out of line. It is even worse for the couple who does not want to get married or to have children. I have a few people in my life who are taking this route & it is brutal to watch the social turmoil they have to go through; explaining & justifying to the curious & judgmental why they have agreed on this "unnatural" way of life. It is my belief that these couples should just wear a shirt that says "I do not want to get married & I worship the Devil", so they can watch people squirm with the internal battle of wanting to ask about the lack of matrimonial desire, but not wanting to speak to the blatantly possessed. Why is it anyone's business if a couple doesn't want to follow in the Cleaver's footsteps? It use to be people would have kids so they would have hands on the farm & someone to care for them when they are the ones in diapers. Now, having kids is a lifestyle, not a necessity seeing as most people don't own a farm & there are fabulous retirement homes with names like "Paradise Cove" & "Prestigious Falls".  Hail to the unconventional! Enjoy the excess of money you have because you do not have to spend it on diapers!

Finally, the classic, why are you single? I am not at the age where my friends are really being berated with the subject yet, but media has given me the insight I need to put together this point with some accuracy. Thanks to Bridget Jones Diary & Sex & the City, it is my understanding that everyone who is single is sad & lost. Wait. So even if someone has a fulfilling career with fabulous friends & the freedom to bonk whomever they please, they are still a pathetic little pet who needs to find that one person to make them whole. Huh. Thanks for the insight. I was under the silly notion that one of the biggest challenges for committed couples is they miss not having an anchor, they miss being the sole captain of their space shuttle (I thought sole captain of their ship was too cliché & over used. Lets see if space shuttle catches on.) I know at some point in my marriage I am going to envy the single girl who gets gang banged on the dance floor, not because I don't like being married, but because that hot mess will remind me of a part of my life I will never get back. Single people, the next time you are at a wedding & asked when it is your turn, please respond with "Gosh, I don't know. I still haven't decided if I like girls or boys yet."

The dating world is no longer one of black & white, single & married. People make their own choices based on their best judgment. The committed, like myself, find comfort in vows & babies, while the unconventional would not touch what tickles me pink with a 10 foot pole, & although the single person may want someone in the future, for now, they are enjoying the rip tide called Life. Contrary to popular belief, people are pretty acquainted with themselves & know what lifestyle fits them best. Shockingly, the nosey, overbearing "life guru" does not. So if you are said guru, my message to you is while you think that everyone wants your input on their personal lives, they really do not (insert the sympathetic "sorry you thought otherwise, asshole" head tilt).

Your,
DB

Paws & Claws.

Why is the question “are you a cat person or a dog person” so revealing? I believe that finding out someone’s fluffy friend preference is more intimate than reading their diary. So much can be told by that one syllable response. Without fail, depending on which party you are faithful to, you will make the snap decision do you love them or hate them. This is such a simple topic with such a loaded gun. I am going to break down why this is such a telling tail (Sorry, I had to.) & why we judge automatically, & most of the time, accurately.

First, let’s look at the stereotypical cat person. They are people who lead more mellow lives. They do not like to be disturbed & are set in their ways. You will find that they have their things & they would prefer to not share. While some cat people may not like me saying this, they are the high maintenance crowd of the two parties. Cat people are more sensitive to their surroundings, so they need a buddy who will be there if they want to snuggle, but when they are done, c’est fini. This is why the independent, low maintenance feline is perfect for this kind of person. Hell, most of the time the cat is just as particular about when they can be disturbed as their owner, making them a match made in heaven; the high maintenance owner seems low maintenance to the high maintenance cat & the high maintenance cat appears low maintenance to the high maintenance owner. It is a win-win relationship. I admire cat people for having the strength to know what they like & they stick to their guns. I say bravo to you cat people.

With that being said, I am a dog person. When comparing the cat owner to the dog owner, well it is like comparing cats & dogs. They are spontaneous, messy & go with the flow. When they get a big wet kiss from their energetic pup, they normally respond with something like “Thanks for the smooch pooch!” & if they get a sneak attack of leaps & licks the bond between man & dog only becomes more solidified. Now that I have had my beagle, Hank, for the three months, I can say first hand that a dog is high maintenance requiring the owner to be low maintenance, & unlike the relationship between cat & owner the favor is not returned. I have had to change my entire routine to accommodate Hank’s needs. Instead of sleeping in, I usually get up at 7 to the sound of Hank’s wagging tail on the carpet. Before I can make myself presentable to the outside world, I am being dragged out the door so he can do his “business”, AKA poop. While cat people stick to their guns, dog people have to be more flexible. With this being said, we feel that this is a minor sacrifice for our little buddies because when we want to go on a walk or when we need a friend, our dogs are first to step up to the task. I believe it is actually embedded into “our kind’s” DNA to crave the chaos & the never-ending show of the wagging tail. We just cannot get enough.

Before you think this is an observation limited to admirers of the Meows & Woofs, there is one more party that I will call the Yappers. It is the secret third party that will give a whole new perspective on the battle between the feline & canine lover, the small dog owner. I am not talking small as in a French bulldog or dachshund, I mean Pomeranian, “Tinker Bell” Chihuahua dog type. This kind of pet owner is a mutated hybrid between the cat person & dog person, or a dog person who is a hop & a skip away from being a cat person, if you will. They are the people who want to have someone always around to make them feel loved, but don’t want the slobber & inconvenience. Physical signs of these people are Ed Hardy shirts, super buff guys (limited to their upper body) or super skinny girls, Paris Hilton perfume & a $30,000 millionaire car like a Nissan 370Z Coup. When they walk their dog, they go to all extremes to ensure that their prince/princess is not “bothered” by someone else’s dog whom is obviously not worthy enough to exchange butt smells with their precious child. If their dog starts yapping at your dog, they look at you like your dog is out of line.

Now, I tell you cat & dog people alike, it is this small dog party that is the real enemy. We should stop dismissing each other & focus on the black horse candidate of the race, the Yappers. They are the one’s who are disturbing society’s happy balance between the hard standing & the easy going. While their dogs are precious, although at tad bitchy, it is them that we should be wary of; the middle of the road, confused souls who think that their dog is more than a dog & that they are more than mere human.

Yours,

DB

PS. I have nothing against the small dog breeds, I find them precious. It is just their misfortune that they attract such peculiar owners.